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From my blog June 7, 2008

The blackness has fallen. How long this time?



Even medicine doesn't lift the unbearable weight. One day flying at 100 mph..the next screeching to a halt. All movement like molasses. Can't function can't move. All around overwhelms and the tears stream...flowing, drenching. Then the numbness.


Nothing is as it was, but I've been here before..this cycle nothing new to me. Since the first big surge of estrogen I've ridden this ride. up and down up and down up and down. It's different when your children look at you and know you have to move...have to care for something..have to feed clothe wash maintain. Before children I found a hole and didn't come out until I could fake it...fake it, fake it..fake it. My whole life has been manic or fake it.


I need help.

Wow, have things changed! I haven't felt that veil of sadness for a very long time.  Why was I so frightened to start the drugs??  It makes me mad that people vilify meds these days..especially phycotropic drugs! And if you plan to help your children with these meds, people think it's child abuse!!

Anyway, my point is this...if you ever feel like I did when I posted that blog..SEEK MEDICAL ADVISE! Life is so much more than living that way..help is out there! Don't waste another minute!

Another day with sore throat. Maybe the weather...40's last week, 90's this.

The kids are finally settling into their new surroundings. Things are calm and everyone is in a routine now. My sleeping pattern has been a bit off. Probably the naps in the afternoon. Need to not lay down to read when the boys do or I fall asleep.

So the interesting thing about Tourette's and Autism is the compulsion to say bad words. Luke is now 9 and Isaac 8...I'm hearing things like suck my balls, douche bag, son of a bitch, retard!!!!!!!!!!!! So I wash their mouths with soap...but it doesn't seem to be working. SO any other MAMA's have ideas, let me know! I think hard labor will be next on the list of punishments.

We bought a coconut and some pomegranates for the boys to investigate for this afternoon. They threw the coconut off the balcony with no luck. I wonder what the neighbors downstairs think. Eating pomegranates has proven to stain shirts...mixed opinions on the taste. Seems like a lot of work to eat!

We are loving our afternoons listening to Adventures in Odyssey and playing with Lego's. I have found that Luke will do ANYTHING (including reading) for a pack of Pokemon cards! YEAH!!! School is going better for him now that I found a hot spot! His overall moods have been very level...thank the Lord.

Boys begging to go to the pool...better be off.

First day of therapy..

It went well.

She is very nice. The room was comfortable and felt very much like a childs playroom. Apparently she sees families, too.

I wasn't sure how it was suppose to go..but she had me talking about my parents rather quickly. Probably because she was looking over my family history. She noticed that I have a tendency to "zone out". Sometimes when my ideas start going in my head, they don't stop...I have to really concentrate so I don't interupt the person I'm talking with. It came across to her as a zoning out. Good to note. I almost cried when she said that the ups and downs of bipolar I will have my whole life. I was so hoping that the drugs would make them go away...no such luck! It will be an every day surrender. She also encouraged me to excersize when I start to unravel emotionally. Hop on the treadmill and run...take a bike ride..what ever I can do to stay safe and let off some steam.

After therapy, I headed over to the park to sit with Larie and Kim. I got some sunshine, in fact burned a bit. Always nice to have time for recharging myself. Both of them inspire me to be a better mom and wife and friend. Larie is so good at making friends and making them feel special. She is constantly pulling people together..it is her gift. I appreciate her so much.

After the park I was able to fill a Wal-mart shopping cart to the brim for 78.oo. Proud of myself! We even get corn on the cob! :) The boys are downstairs watching Transformers with Daddy. I should go snuggle with him.

Tomorrow we head to a park in Oregon to meet up with John and Sonia for the day. Looking forward to seeing the cousins..the kids can't wait.

Signing off..

May 21 2009

Thurs 10:45am

Another morning I've slept away. I even went to bed early last night. Usually extra sleeping means a depression is coming. I'm praying this is not to be. Although I have been in a state of hypo-full blown mania for over a month. I think it's time for the swing.

The house work has slid into the depths, too. Another sign that I'm swinging into another direction. We I'm up, I'm extrememly goal driven and schedule keeping...house work is easy to do. I'm full of energy and love to keep up with things..I feel electrified ALIVE! I want to do ten million things...

When you live in that state for any amout of time, it becomes an extremely addictive place to stay...every color more vivid, emotions are deep, anything seems possible! Wouldn't you want to live there??

So when you start to come down to the earth it is difficult...things seem grey and you move more slowly. Things take longer and are more difficult to complete. Everyday activities seem so mundane and useless...the joy leaves the act of keeping house for me. I lose the focus of blessing my family...I pull away from spending time with the Lord. I wonder if I'm even worthy of His love. My dear husband, who is front and center stage while I'm manic, is the brunt of my abuse while I'm depressed...why he stays I'll never know. Yet, he does.

So manic I bloom like a PINK Gerber Daisy and when I'm depressed I roll into a pill bug with my piles of novels and gallons of coffee.

There are long stretches of time when I'm just normal. Balanced. When I'm just like everybody else. The problem it I never know for certain how long that will last. I always have to have a Plan A, B, C, D. And if it were only about me, it might be a totally different story. But having 4 children two of them with severe mental needs leaves me feeling like I can never really make any set in stone plans. We have to see how things go day to day. It really aggravates people who plan their lives on calendars. I've always envied them. They get out their sharpies and plan. I gave that up a few years ago. I tried when the kids were little before everyone got diagnosed...but we lived in a constant state of letting everybody down. So I've givin' up trying to plan things for now.

So my goal for today is to head over to Mel's house to help her start organizing Abby's room. She has pretty severe autism. She uses a Dinovox to speak. Because she is so visual she pulls all her stuff into huge piles...it leaves poor Mel and family with piles and piles to sort..so, she been taking to someone about how to make all Abby's stuff visible to her at the same time so she does have the obsession to pull it all out all the time...to be honest, I need to be with Melissa. She is a blessing from the Lord to me. She is truely the only other 'mama' I know who truly gets my 'mama' heart. Just being with her is therapy for me..and if I can help her...then awesome.

Speaking of therapy, I start tomorrow with a new phychologist. Yeah, she answers her own phone and can see me on Fridays..I'm thrilled. So I'll write more on that later...

Currently I'm taking Seroquel 300, Lexapro 20, Topamax 25

Signing off..

Some thoughts in May

So my girlfriend Larie inspired me to continue my blogging. Important to write down how the Lord is working...it really does remind us and helps to build our faith as we lok back and watch His plan unfold.

I also have a written journal I carry around with me all the time..I write any quote I come across as I read, (I'm an avid reader) I am literally checking out new books every day...So I may or may not post past entries from that journal here, too. Though those can be a bit more personal..I'll edit.

May 17th 2009

Went to Hillview Baptist this morning. BJ spoke--very powerful/spot on..Spoke of the blind man following Jesus for healing...he followed and followed..without immediate healing he faithfully followed. He drew a parrallel between the people He healed then and us now..Back then as He traveled, He asked them NOT to tell others because as His popularity grew it limited his ability to minister (people thronging around)...but how now He askes us to go into all the world and share His love...if they disobeyed back then they limited His ministery and if we disobey now we limit His minstery...

It's 90 degrees today and I'm sorting through books to take back to the library. One book I'd like to buy..One Year Book of Christian History by E. Micheal and Sharon Rusten. Very Good!

I'm extremely manic today. Dreamed this week of owning my own bees, becoming a librarian, and moving to the foot of the Andes in Argentina to own my own vineyard to make my own wine.

My mind can be a very fun place to live...

"Quotes from reading"

"I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago." Psalm 77:11

"Come to me with your ears wide open. Listen, for the life of your soul is at stake.' Isaiah 55:3

"Let love be your greatest aim: nevertheless, asl also for the special abilities the Holy spirirt gives. 1 COR. 14:1

"A faith that hasn't been tested can't be trusted." Adriane Rodgers

"Dought is not the opposite of faith; it is one element of faith." Paul Tillich

"Faith is not shelter against difficulties, but belief in the face of all contradictions." Paul Tournier

"A man's steps are directed by the Lord." Proverbs 20:24

" In this life we will encounter hurts and trials that we will not be able to change; we are just going to have to let them change us." Ron Lee Davis

"I will open up the windows of heaven for you and pour out a blessing so great you won't have room enough to take it all in." Malachi 3:10

"God needs no one, but when faith is present He works through anyone." AW Tozer

Signing off for today...I'm in a mixed state of some kind...stayed up far too late and slept the morning away..am of no use to anyone at the moment..off to shower and start to make a dent in the daily chores and start what will be a science experiment of dinner...looking forward to spending time with Melissa tomorrow...glad she is feeling better.

a wednesday in february 2009

Home from bible study feeling up. Takes me hours to wind my mind down after so many things discussed. I like the group of women very much. I worry as always if I've tlked to much...I was feeling manic today and I get chatty when that happens.

Anyway, reading through James has been great with notes by Max Lucado...good stuff. Are temptations themselves sin? A question that seems very simple, yet cut into peices can be a big thought provoker. Especially when you are hypomanic..which I've already stated.

My fingers are babbling so I think I go get a granola bar...11 lbs. down. Yeah...not eating much tends to do that..not that I can't shed 50 more...

Took meds (Lexapro 20mg, Serequel 300mg) around 10:30..no effect yet. Maybe a shower will bring me down some...