May 21 2009

Thurs 10:45am

Another morning I've slept away. I even went to bed early last night. Usually extra sleeping means a depression is coming. I'm praying this is not to be. Although I have been in a state of hypo-full blown mania for over a month. I think it's time for the swing.

The house work has slid into the depths, too. Another sign that I'm swinging into another direction. We I'm up, I'm extrememly goal driven and schedule keeping...house work is easy to do. I'm full of energy and love to keep up with things..I feel electrified ALIVE! I want to do ten million things...

When you live in that state for any amout of time, it becomes an extremely addictive place to stay...every color more vivid, emotions are deep, anything seems possible! Wouldn't you want to live there??

So when you start to come down to the earth it is difficult...things seem grey and you move more slowly. Things take longer and are more difficult to complete. Everyday activities seem so mundane and useless...the joy leaves the act of keeping house for me. I lose the focus of blessing my family...I pull away from spending time with the Lord. I wonder if I'm even worthy of His love. My dear husband, who is front and center stage while I'm manic, is the brunt of my abuse while I'm depressed...why he stays I'll never know. Yet, he does.

So manic I bloom like a PINK Gerber Daisy and when I'm depressed I roll into a pill bug with my piles of novels and gallons of coffee.

There are long stretches of time when I'm just normal. Balanced. When I'm just like everybody else. The problem it I never know for certain how long that will last. I always have to have a Plan A, B, C, D. And if it were only about me, it might be a totally different story. But having 4 children two of them with severe mental needs leaves me feeling like I can never really make any set in stone plans. We have to see how things go day to day. It really aggravates people who plan their lives on calendars. I've always envied them. They get out their sharpies and plan. I gave that up a few years ago. I tried when the kids were little before everyone got diagnosed...but we lived in a constant state of letting everybody down. So I've givin' up trying to plan things for now.

So my goal for today is to head over to Mel's house to help her start organizing Abby's room. She has pretty severe autism. She uses a Dinovox to speak. Because she is so visual she pulls all her stuff into huge piles...it leaves poor Mel and family with piles and piles to sort..so, she been taking to someone about how to make all Abby's stuff visible to her at the same time so she does have the obsession to pull it all out all the time...to be honest, I need to be with Melissa. She is a blessing from the Lord to me. She is truely the only other 'mama' I know who truly gets my 'mama' heart. Just being with her is therapy for me..and if I can help her...then awesome.

Speaking of therapy, I start tomorrow with a new phychologist. Yeah, she answers her own phone and can see me on Fridays..I'm thrilled. So I'll write more on that later...

Currently I'm taking Seroquel 300, Lexapro 20, Topamax 25

Signing off..