Adjusting meds..

300 mg Serequel
20mg Lexapro
nightly

150 mg Serequel
morning

Amazed at how quickly my mind changes..

Up and down, back and forth.
Today is Isaac last day of "summer school"...4 more weeks of summer.
Having Sergio home has been wonderful. He does so much for us.

My garden is starting to burst forth! Tomatoes of all kinds, kale, eggplant, pumkins are green but plumping fast, tomatillos, jalepenos, green, yellow, red peppers, green beans, basil...I love summer!

The boys found a wasps nest this morning and can't seem to leave it alone...like a moth to the flame they are fasinated...Luke says to Sam, "Be careful because they can smell our phermones (sp?) and will chase us if we make them mad." Huh? Must be all the hours of animal planet..:0)

Been flip-flopping on whether to sign up for BibleStudy Fellowship....perhaps. Maybe I'll volenteer to do Moppettes' instead..or maybe table leader..

Of to shower and run errands..modd has stablized after about 5 days in a mixed state.. thank goodness for stable thoughts..

Movie DayII

Another movie day thanks to Carson Kolzig Found...we saw Ice Age dawn of the dinos...very cute.

I miss my husband. He's been gone too long! Just spoke with him on the phone and he is heading home Monday. Appreciate all he does around here when he's gone so long.

Haven't seen my therapist in 2 weeks..I haven't unraveled but can feel some fraying..Friday will see her again. She has been seeing Luke, too. She is thinking bipolar for him, too. I guess trying some meds that have helped me might be worth trying...

Going school shopping for boys next week..Only 6 weeks until school starts..I'm really looking forward to this fall..totally de-junk the house, do some quilting, reading, painting (house and my own stuff)....I've made it half way..it's the downhome slide now...:)

movies

The Carson Kolzig foundation and Autism Society of Washington sponsored a movie day yesterday for families affected with Autism. Serg had to work over-time, so I took the kids by myself. We saw Night at the Museum 2..the kids laughed and laughed. It makes me want to take a trip to explore the Smithsonian with the family.

We also went to babyshower yesterday at the church we are attending. Was fun.

Off to church this morning and Bible study tonight..
Praying for a peaceful day..

Summer fun:(

I am nervous for the summer with all the kids...they are already getting on each others nerves a bit. The fighting that Isaac does with his siblings is unbearable sometimes..he just wants everything just so in his world...we all can't fit into his bubble...nor should any of us have to. The meltdowns are enough to make my already skiddish nervous system crash. I feel angry that I work so hard to mantain an orderly, flowing home and I have to deal with his unstability. Terrible thing to say about your own kid, I know.

Sometimes I feel resentful that I allow the kids the freedoms to be who they are and they just walk all over me. It's like I have to change who I am. My personality is a laid back lets have fun all the time..I do whatever I can to make sure they have lots of fun things to do and places to go. I think the part of parenting that requires structured discipline is hard for me. And when I know they need more of that kind of a parent, I feel angry that I have to become that person in order for them to thrive..yet it is not who I am. This may not make sense to healthy people.

Even Sergio needs that structured practical person..that I just don't feel like I am. I am so wanting to live life without all the conflict. Can I go one day without some major catastrophe to sort through that isn't my own??..I have been too sick to do the finances so he took them over completely. I have been too sick to remember medications, so he has to dispense it to me. I'm beginning to think he may not be able to handle the heavy load either..I see signs of him cracking under the pressure of it all, too.



I have a therapy session tonight, maybe I'll bring it up.

End of week all ready..

Been a busy week. Thing are humming along. Not much to write.

I've been painting again. .. this time in water colors..pastels and fades. I can tell my happiness level. Watercolor always means peace. This is good. Funny, I never think my painting done when I'm happy are very good. I really LIKE LOVE my paintings done when I'm in the depths of despare. Funny how that is.

Regular household chores are being done. another sign my sickness is at bay. Supper has been served each night, children have been read too.. husband cuddled..

I go the therapy tonight at 5pm, Serg is working some overtime. Good for money..will write tomorrow of what comes from therapy..

Love ya

Monday, Monday

Weekend flew...

Therapy Friday was awesome. Can't believe how much good it does. If anyone ever entertains the thought I will encourage them to do it. Amazing.

Been in a great Bible Study about getting into position for God to speak. Really been stretching me. I am finding that my twenties were a time I kinda let the expectations of other believers set my internal compass for where God was. In the last year, I've learned that I have to peel back that exterior armor I've unconsciously built around myself. That I believe our nation (of believers) has built around itself. The "what I'm supposed to say" "do" "be" layers. Down to the heart where God says come. Just like you are...with thoughts that maybe aren't just right...with beliefs that are still forming and may never be set. A place where I'm free from the religion and hardened laws and wrapped in the freedom.

Our country is a great example..people who long to be free...have unintentionally because of fear created an un-free country..where it is acceptable to torture and hold people in prison for the sake of safety. I feel so strongly about this. It's the one thing politically I can't seem to let go. These men be held with no crime charged to their name. Because of their connections, they can be held.

Turn that scenario around...imagine Iran holding Jews in camps because of their ties with enemy countries...would we sit by..NO OF COURSE NOT I just don't understand how we choose human rights for one group and not another...

OK I'm fully riled up..best go get another cup 'o' Jo...

peace peeps.

Signed Isaac up for extended school year...he will have 2 days a week in the mornings all summer. Yeah. Summer is looming a little over my head. All of them home....ugg. We don't have money to put them in activities..so we will be going to parks and down to the river alot..doing the reading program at the library...heading over to Mel's to swim.

In three months all of them will be in school!! Sammy only half days but the rest full day!! I don't think I have ever looked forward to anything more.

Selfish..probably. Recharging my batteries....ahhhhhhhhh. That means Friday mornings Serg and I will have the house all to ourselves!!! I can't even begin to imagine this.

I'm planning to read a thousand books...excersize everyday. Paint! Go to coffee with girlfriends. Do Bible Studies that have homework. Enjoy a clean house for longer periods of time!! Maybe even take some college credits! Oh the possiblities.

Off to welcome Serg home from work!

Small ~JJ Heller

Cardboard cutouts on the floor,
People wish that You were more like
what they wanted You to be.
Eventually, they won't have much of You at all
in their theology.
The walls are closing in on You.
You cannot be contained at all.

I don't want to make You small.
I don't want to fit You in my pocket..
a cross around my throat.

You are brighter than the sun.
You're closer than
the tiny thoughts I have of You,
but I could never fathom You.

At all.

Broken mouldings all around.
Broken people hit the groud
when they discover that
You're not here for our benefit.
You love
in spite of us.
You use
the least of us....
to prove the strong aren't really strong .

At all.

A Short, Slow Life ~Elizabeth Bishop early 50's

We lived in a pocket of Time.
It was close, it was warn.
Along the dark seam of the river
the houses,the barns, the two churches,
hid like white crumbs
in a fluff of gray willows and elms,
till Time made one of his gestures;
his nails scratched the shingled roof.
Roughly his hand reached in,
and tumbled us out.

Other quotes

"Laughter is the best dinnertime music." ~Carleton Kendrick

"They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world.
-someone to love,
-something to do,
-and something to hope for."
~Tom Bodett

"Ah, There is nothing like staying home for real comfort."
~Jane Austin

"A family in harmony will prosper in everything"
~Chinese proverb

"The ordinary arts we practice everyday at home are of more importance to the soul than their simplicity might suggest."
~Thomas More

Memorial Weekend

Saturday we meet Jon and Sonia and the kidlets at Horsethief Lake. Just a day trip..it is a mid point for each of us to drive..perfect. The kids enjoyed swimming and the raft. I got major sun and enjoyed being with family who also happens to be friends. That so rarely is the case and is a treasure. It ended up being very relaxing. The kids had a great time.

We came home and rested Sunday, and Isaac started getting very sick..by Monday mornig I couldn't bring his temp down. Serg went to the HUGE Value Village Sale early (to get the best stuff) :) and when he got home, I took Ike to the ER. They ran blood work and said it was just a nasty flu..not the swine one. He has made a quick recovery adn I think I'll send him to school this afternoon.

The illness prompted me to scrub the house down with vinegar. I cut some of my flourishing roses from the yard and brought them in to decorate the bathrooms and our bedrooms..Huge red delicious smelling roses...I also palnted peach ones and yellow ones with pink just at the tips of the petals...my pumpkins are pushing up their fuzzy little shoots and the strawberries are already red. Yellow flowers are all over my tomato plants, although something else thinks their leaves are yummy..have to get some spray.

Noah is anxious to get his cast off this Friday. We shall see..I'm guessing they will put him in another one for a bit..but he is determined that Friday will be the day...poor boy! At least it will be off for most of the summer and he will get to go to Pinevalley this year.



I read from the Proverbs this morning...feeling ready to tackle the day..

Marya Hornbacker ~ MADNESS

When madness had me in it's teeth and thrashed me back and forth, I didn't know what the real things were, or how to do them, or what they were for. Now I know: they keep the madness at bay.

First day of therapy..

It went well.

She is very nice. The room was comfortable and felt very much like a childs playroom. Apparently she sees families, too.

I wasn't sure how it was suppose to go..but she had me talking about my parents rather quickly. Probably because she was looking over my family history. She noticed that I have a tendency to "zone out". Sometimes when my ideas start going in my head, they don't stop...I have to really concentrate so I don't interupt the person I'm talking with. It came across to her as a zoning out. Good to note. I almost cried when she said that the ups and downs of bipolar I will have my whole life. I was so hoping that the drugs would make them go away...no such luck! It will be an every day surrender. She also encouraged me to excersize when I start to unravel emotionally. Hop on the treadmill and run...take a bike ride..what ever I can do to stay safe and let off some steam.

After therapy, I headed over to the park to sit with Larie and Kim. I got some sunshine, in fact burned a bit. Always nice to have time for recharging myself. Both of them inspire me to be a better mom and wife and friend. Larie is so good at making friends and making them feel special. She is constantly pulling people together..it is her gift. I appreciate her so much.

After the park I was able to fill a Wal-mart shopping cart to the brim for 78.oo. Proud of myself! We even get corn on the cob! :) The boys are downstairs watching Transformers with Daddy. I should go snuggle with him.

Tomorrow we head to a park in Oregon to meet up with John and Sonia for the day. Looking forward to seeing the cousins..the kids can't wait.

Signing off..

May 21 2009

Thurs 10:45am

Another morning I've slept away. I even went to bed early last night. Usually extra sleeping means a depression is coming. I'm praying this is not to be. Although I have been in a state of hypo-full blown mania for over a month. I think it's time for the swing.

The house work has slid into the depths, too. Another sign that I'm swinging into another direction. We I'm up, I'm extrememly goal driven and schedule keeping...house work is easy to do. I'm full of energy and love to keep up with things..I feel electrified ALIVE! I want to do ten million things...

When you live in that state for any amout of time, it becomes an extremely addictive place to stay...every color more vivid, emotions are deep, anything seems possible! Wouldn't you want to live there??

So when you start to come down to the earth it is difficult...things seem grey and you move more slowly. Things take longer and are more difficult to complete. Everyday activities seem so mundane and useless...the joy leaves the act of keeping house for me. I lose the focus of blessing my family...I pull away from spending time with the Lord. I wonder if I'm even worthy of His love. My dear husband, who is front and center stage while I'm manic, is the brunt of my abuse while I'm depressed...why he stays I'll never know. Yet, he does.

So manic I bloom like a PINK Gerber Daisy and when I'm depressed I roll into a pill bug with my piles of novels and gallons of coffee.

There are long stretches of time when I'm just normal. Balanced. When I'm just like everybody else. The problem it I never know for certain how long that will last. I always have to have a Plan A, B, C, D. And if it were only about me, it might be a totally different story. But having 4 children two of them with severe mental needs leaves me feeling like I can never really make any set in stone plans. We have to see how things go day to day. It really aggravates people who plan their lives on calendars. I've always envied them. They get out their sharpies and plan. I gave that up a few years ago. I tried when the kids were little before everyone got diagnosed...but we lived in a constant state of letting everybody down. So I've givin' up trying to plan things for now.

So my goal for today is to head over to Mel's house to help her start organizing Abby's room. She has pretty severe autism. She uses a Dinovox to speak. Because she is so visual she pulls all her stuff into huge piles...it leaves poor Mel and family with piles and piles to sort..so, she been taking to someone about how to make all Abby's stuff visible to her at the same time so she does have the obsession to pull it all out all the time...to be honest, I need to be with Melissa. She is a blessing from the Lord to me. She is truely the only other 'mama' I know who truly gets my 'mama' heart. Just being with her is therapy for me..and if I can help her...then awesome.

Speaking of therapy, I start tomorrow with a new phychologist. Yeah, she answers her own phone and can see me on Fridays..I'm thrilled. So I'll write more on that later...

Currently I'm taking Seroquel 300, Lexapro 20, Topamax 25

Signing off..

Some thoughts in May

So my girlfriend Larie inspired me to continue my blogging. Important to write down how the Lord is working...it really does remind us and helps to build our faith as we lok back and watch His plan unfold.

I also have a written journal I carry around with me all the time..I write any quote I come across as I read, (I'm an avid reader) I am literally checking out new books every day...So I may or may not post past entries from that journal here, too. Though those can be a bit more personal..I'll edit.

May 17th 2009

Went to Hillview Baptist this morning. BJ spoke--very powerful/spot on..Spoke of the blind man following Jesus for healing...he followed and followed..without immediate healing he faithfully followed. He drew a parrallel between the people He healed then and us now..Back then as He traveled, He asked them NOT to tell others because as His popularity grew it limited his ability to minister (people thronging around)...but how now He askes us to go into all the world and share His love...if they disobeyed back then they limited His ministery and if we disobey now we limit His minstery...

It's 90 degrees today and I'm sorting through books to take back to the library. One book I'd like to buy..One Year Book of Christian History by E. Micheal and Sharon Rusten. Very Good!

I'm extremely manic today. Dreamed this week of owning my own bees, becoming a librarian, and moving to the foot of the Andes in Argentina to own my own vineyard to make my own wine.

My mind can be a very fun place to live...

"Quotes from reading"

"I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago." Psalm 77:11

"Come to me with your ears wide open. Listen, for the life of your soul is at stake.' Isaiah 55:3

"Let love be your greatest aim: nevertheless, asl also for the special abilities the Holy spirirt gives. 1 COR. 14:1

"A faith that hasn't been tested can't be trusted." Adriane Rodgers

"Dought is not the opposite of faith; it is one element of faith." Paul Tillich

"Faith is not shelter against difficulties, but belief in the face of all contradictions." Paul Tournier

"A man's steps are directed by the Lord." Proverbs 20:24

" In this life we will encounter hurts and trials that we will not be able to change; we are just going to have to let them change us." Ron Lee Davis

"I will open up the windows of heaven for you and pour out a blessing so great you won't have room enough to take it all in." Malachi 3:10

"God needs no one, but when faith is present He works through anyone." AW Tozer

Signing off for today...I'm in a mixed state of some kind...stayed up far too late and slept the morning away..am of no use to anyone at the moment..off to shower and start to make a dent in the daily chores and start what will be a science experiment of dinner...looking forward to spending time with Melissa tomorrow...glad she is feeling better.

a wednesday in february 2009

Home from bible study feeling up. Takes me hours to wind my mind down after so many things discussed. I like the group of women very much. I worry as always if I've tlked to much...I was feeling manic today and I get chatty when that happens.

Anyway, reading through James has been great with notes by Max Lucado...good stuff. Are temptations themselves sin? A question that seems very simple, yet cut into peices can be a big thought provoker. Especially when you are hypomanic..which I've already stated.

My fingers are babbling so I think I go get a granola bar...11 lbs. down. Yeah...not eating much tends to do that..not that I can't shed 50 more...

Took meds (Lexapro 20mg, Serequel 300mg) around 10:30..no effect yet. Maybe a shower will bring me down some...