Summer fun:(

I am nervous for the summer with all the kids...they are already getting on each others nerves a bit. The fighting that Isaac does with his siblings is unbearable sometimes..he just wants everything just so in his world...we all can't fit into his bubble...nor should any of us have to. The meltdowns are enough to make my already skiddish nervous system crash. I feel angry that I work so hard to mantain an orderly, flowing home and I have to deal with his unstability. Terrible thing to say about your own kid, I know.

Sometimes I feel resentful that I allow the kids the freedoms to be who they are and they just walk all over me. It's like I have to change who I am. My personality is a laid back lets have fun all the time..I do whatever I can to make sure they have lots of fun things to do and places to go. I think the part of parenting that requires structured discipline is hard for me. And when I know they need more of that kind of a parent, I feel angry that I have to become that person in order for them to thrive..yet it is not who I am. This may not make sense to healthy people.

Even Sergio needs that structured practical person..that I just don't feel like I am. I am so wanting to live life without all the conflict. Can I go one day without some major catastrophe to sort through that isn't my own??..I have been too sick to do the finances so he took them over completely. I have been too sick to remember medications, so he has to dispense it to me. I'm beginning to think he may not be able to handle the heavy load either..I see signs of him cracking under the pressure of it all, too.



I have a therapy session tonight, maybe I'll bring it up.