Remembering three years ago to this weekend..Serg was in heart failure and admitted..the beginning of the long journey.

On this side of it, I still feel a little shell shocked. I wonder how these life altering circumstances change people. My friend from MOPS Calliegh lost her baby boy Matthew in a car accident this week. In a blink of an eye...gone. Words just fail in these situations when you want desperately to comfort. I did feel God during our ordeal, but have to be honest that since then, I've lacked the intimacy I once felt. I guess the trusting has become more risky...the realization that His plans are certainly not our own. And sometimes when you feel the closest to Him, tragedy strikes. Our mental deduction would lean toward a better life (more blessings) if we are following Him closely. !But we can not comprehend God who is every contradiction....

I'm still struggling...working out my salvation. Trying desperately to walk the path here. There must be more I need to know, something I'm missing. All the neat little boxes I used to love have not withstood time. And I could just keep making them, or I could jump into others boxes. It is certainly more safe. Black/White, Right/Wrong, Good/Evil...no room for gray. Life has structure and opinions fold neatly into one another. Then there is the one idea that shakes the little boxes...the people in the box start furrowing their eyebrows saying things like, you better be careful with that idea, it cracks the foundations upon which we stand. If you want to be one of us then this is our mantra...get in or get out. No compromise, no room for questions, no room for anger, no room for thinking.

Ranting at 10:49pm...better take my meds and go to bed..Night

So Much For My Sad Song

Another day with sore throat. Maybe the weather...40's last week, 90's this.

The kids are finally settling into their new surroundings. Things are calm and everyone is in a routine now. My sleeping pattern has been a bit off. Probably the naps in the afternoon. Need to not lay down to read when the boys do or I fall asleep.

So the interesting thing about Tourette's and Autism is the compulsion to say bad words. Luke is now 9 and Isaac 8...I'm hearing things like suck my balls, douche bag, son of a bitch, retard!!!!!!!!!!!! So I wash their mouths with soap...but it doesn't seem to be working. SO any other MAMA's have ideas, let me know! I think hard labor will be next on the list of punishments.

We bought a coconut and some pomegranates for the boys to investigate for this afternoon. They threw the coconut off the balcony with no luck. I wonder what the neighbors downstairs think. Eating pomegranates has proven to stain shirts...mixed opinions on the taste. Seems like a lot of work to eat!

We are loving our afternoons listening to Adventures in Odyssey and playing with Lego's. I have found that Luke will do ANYTHING (including reading) for a pack of Pokemon cards! YEAH!!! School is going better for him now that I found a hot spot! His overall moods have been very level...thank the Lord.

Boys begging to go to the pool...better be off.

More babies!

Or no more babies..that is the question.

I know some of you other mommies also struggle with this problem...even when surgery seems to be the final say, my heart still cries for more. Is this a selfish motivation, we need more babies to make ourselves happier? That I do not know. But for now my heart is heavy for more children. I wonder if the longing ever really goes away. For some, the answer is a simple yes. Yet for many other (close friends who I've sat hours discussing this) the drive is not easily abated.

I've been reading Max Lacado's new book, Outlive Your Life. Here is a quote from page 6..."we have enough bedrooms to house the orphans. Here's the math. There are 145 million orphans worldwide. Nearly 236 million people in the United States call themselves Christians. From a purely statistical standpoint, American Christians by themselves have the wherewithal to house every orphan in the world."

I have been following the story of a some dear frinds I know from childhood...they married and had three of their own children. They have since adopted two boys from Haiti..one who needed major facial reconstruction. They are in the middle of a major governmental struggle with Uganda as they are adopting a girl with seizures there...he had to come back while she stayed becasue the paperwork has been locked up...they are'nt thinking about the money, or inconvienience, or time...they are focused on service and God and go forward everyday KNOWING they are in His will. Many of us may say, Oh well I don't feel that calling...and maybe you don't. But shouldn't it be something we consider?

So we've been praying for an organization called Reece's Rainbows for some time now. They make adoption for kiddos with Down's Syndrome and other special needs possible in a country that disposes of them by age 4-5. Russia admits special needs children into adult institutions at the age of 4-5. The need is desperate. And I've begun to put money aside for a time when adoption may be possible. The waiting is a labor of it's own...for now I'll blog about it.

Check out the site www.reecesrainbow.com

Halloween 2010

Fun Fun Fun...

We drove into Mission Viejo to Jon and Sonia's on Saturday afternoon. At 5pm Sonia, Nancy and I and all the kidlets met Veronica ( and her kidlets) at a Chinese Church in Irvine for a Jana Alayra concert...had so much fun and will post pictures here soon..We had 12 kid cousins all together!!)

We spent the night and went Trick-or-treating on Sunday night...so much fun! Sonia and I came back early with the little ones as they were tired. We had them watch It's a Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown while we had hot cider and a great chatting session. Serg and Jon took the older kids out longer for more candy! They had a great weekend playing basketball, and watching some games together..I can see Sergio really enjoying his friend and it gives my heart such joy!

This week we have schooling to catch up on. I've been keeping up with Flylady chores throughout my days and the they seem to be getting done. Dinner is getting made, too. It's nice to be on top of the day to day stuff so we can enjoy our weekends..

Moving..

Looks as though the steamboat of change is forcing it's way in my life again.

Serg is going to accept an offer in California...back we go to the beginning. I'm feeling a real circle coming back on itself. Many things in my heart have changed and I'm ready to accept this new road.

Both Luke and Isaac are taking the news hard. Noah is very excited to be back with cousins. I am, too. the beach and the wind and the Santa Anna winds..

Therapy..

Adjusting meds..

300 mg Serequel
20mg Lexapro
nightly

150 mg Serequel
morning

Amazed at how quickly my mind changes..

Up and down, back and forth.
Today is Isaac last day of "summer school"...4 more weeks of summer.
Having Sergio home has been wonderful. He does so much for us.

My garden is starting to burst forth! Tomatoes of all kinds, kale, eggplant, pumkins are green but plumping fast, tomatillos, jalepenos, green, yellow, red peppers, green beans, basil...I love summer!

The boys found a wasps nest this morning and can't seem to leave it alone...like a moth to the flame they are fasinated...Luke says to Sam, "Be careful because they can smell our phermones (sp?) and will chase us if we make them mad." Huh? Must be all the hours of animal planet..:0)

Been flip-flopping on whether to sign up for BibleStudy Fellowship....perhaps. Maybe I'll volenteer to do Moppettes' instead..or maybe table leader..

Of to shower and run errands..modd has stablized after about 5 days in a mixed state.. thank goodness for stable thoughts..

Movie DayII

Another movie day thanks to Carson Kolzig Found...we saw Ice Age dawn of the dinos...very cute.

I miss my husband. He's been gone too long! Just spoke with him on the phone and he is heading home Monday. Appreciate all he does around here when he's gone so long.

Haven't seen my therapist in 2 weeks..I haven't unraveled but can feel some fraying..Friday will see her again. She has been seeing Luke, too. She is thinking bipolar for him, too. I guess trying some meds that have helped me might be worth trying...

Going school shopping for boys next week..Only 6 weeks until school starts..I'm really looking forward to this fall..totally de-junk the house, do some quilting, reading, painting (house and my own stuff)....I've made it half way..it's the downhome slide now...:)

movies

The Carson Kolzig foundation and Autism Society of Washington sponsored a movie day yesterday for families affected with Autism. Serg had to work over-time, so I took the kids by myself. We saw Night at the Museum 2..the kids laughed and laughed. It makes me want to take a trip to explore the Smithsonian with the family.

We also went to babyshower yesterday at the church we are attending. Was fun.

Off to church this morning and Bible study tonight..
Praying for a peaceful day..

Summer fun:(

I am nervous for the summer with all the kids...they are already getting on each others nerves a bit. The fighting that Isaac does with his siblings is unbearable sometimes..he just wants everything just so in his world...we all can't fit into his bubble...nor should any of us have to. The meltdowns are enough to make my already skiddish nervous system crash. I feel angry that I work so hard to mantain an orderly, flowing home and I have to deal with his unstability. Terrible thing to say about your own kid, I know.

Sometimes I feel resentful that I allow the kids the freedoms to be who they are and they just walk all over me. It's like I have to change who I am. My personality is a laid back lets have fun all the time..I do whatever I can to make sure they have lots of fun things to do and places to go. I think the part of parenting that requires structured discipline is hard for me. And when I know they need more of that kind of a parent, I feel angry that I have to become that person in order for them to thrive..yet it is not who I am. This may not make sense to healthy people.

Even Sergio needs that structured practical person..that I just don't feel like I am. I am so wanting to live life without all the conflict. Can I go one day without some major catastrophe to sort through that isn't my own??..I have been too sick to do the finances so he took them over completely. I have been too sick to remember medications, so he has to dispense it to me. I'm beginning to think he may not be able to handle the heavy load either..I see signs of him cracking under the pressure of it all, too.



I have a therapy session tonight, maybe I'll bring it up.

End of week all ready..

Been a busy week. Thing are humming along. Not much to write.

I've been painting again. .. this time in water colors..pastels and fades. I can tell my happiness level. Watercolor always means peace. This is good. Funny, I never think my painting done when I'm happy are very good. I really LIKE LOVE my paintings done when I'm in the depths of despare. Funny how that is.

Regular household chores are being done. another sign my sickness is at bay. Supper has been served each night, children have been read too.. husband cuddled..

I go the therapy tonight at 5pm, Serg is working some overtime. Good for money..will write tomorrow of what comes from therapy..

Love ya

Monday, Monday

Weekend flew...

Therapy Friday was awesome. Can't believe how much good it does. If anyone ever entertains the thought I will encourage them to do it. Amazing.

Been in a great Bible Study about getting into position for God to speak. Really been stretching me. I am finding that my twenties were a time I kinda let the expectations of other believers set my internal compass for where God was. In the last year, I've learned that I have to peel back that exterior armor I've unconsciously built around myself. That I believe our nation (of believers) has built around itself. The "what I'm supposed to say" "do" "be" layers. Down to the heart where God says come. Just like you are...with thoughts that maybe aren't just right...with beliefs that are still forming and may never be set. A place where I'm free from the religion and hardened laws and wrapped in the freedom.

Our country is a great example..people who long to be free...have unintentionally because of fear created an un-free country..where it is acceptable to torture and hold people in prison for the sake of safety. I feel so strongly about this. It's the one thing politically I can't seem to let go. These men be held with no crime charged to their name. Because of their connections, they can be held.

Turn that scenario around...imagine Iran holding Jews in camps because of their ties with enemy countries...would we sit by..NO OF COURSE NOT I just don't understand how we choose human rights for one group and not another...

OK I'm fully riled up..best go get another cup 'o' Jo...

peace peeps.

Signed Isaac up for extended school year...he will have 2 days a week in the mornings all summer. Yeah. Summer is looming a little over my head. All of them home....ugg. We don't have money to put them in activities..so we will be going to parks and down to the river alot..doing the reading program at the library...heading over to Mel's to swim.

In three months all of them will be in school!! Sammy only half days but the rest full day!! I don't think I have ever looked forward to anything more.

Selfish..probably. Recharging my batteries....ahhhhhhhhh. That means Friday mornings Serg and I will have the house all to ourselves!!! I can't even begin to imagine this.

I'm planning to read a thousand books...excersize everyday. Paint! Go to coffee with girlfriends. Do Bible Studies that have homework. Enjoy a clean house for longer periods of time!! Maybe even take some college credits! Oh the possiblities.

Off to welcome Serg home from work!